I am Killed By The Stormy Weather

I am Killed By The Stormy Weather

The sun is up… and yet I’m not okay. The rain keeps on pouring down hard…. Every raindrop is killing me inch by inch along with my tears. This is the coldest day in my life. Colder than the snow that almost left me dead for a week. This time, it already killed me. Crushed and burned. Buried like a trash in the midst of the night. Flowers start to wither. Birds has come flying around the cemented heart. Stoned by the ashes that was left from the cold. I am invisible again. Unseen from the scenery of paintings hanged at the wall.
It hurts me. So much that my heart stopped from beating…. From keeping me alive. I did not survive the game. I lost. More than that, it was at the tip of my fingers when it slipped away. The palm of my hands is trembling with so much hunger and thirst. Hungry for love, thirsty for comfort.
I wish this hasn’t happened. And if I have the power to stop this from happening, I will with all my might. To save myself from breaking down. From getting hurt each day. But I cannot. I cannot stop things and turn the world around. The world is not mine to predict my future.
The rain keeps on pouring down hard…. I can feel each drop on my body like acid slowly melting me. Roads are not clear enough for me to pass by. I don’t even have a map for me to look at. Even if I have a manual to fix everything, it is useless. I am not a mechanic nor an electrician to save a broken machine…. To save love.

DEAD END.... continuous

A Love Lost, Found, and Lost Again

Have you ever experienced a love that you thought you once had but suddenly disappeared? Or you have this great unspoken love that you want to shout out loud but never had the chance to express? ---- I have experienced that.
It was almost a coincident. I am already making changes in my life. Everything is not a decade ago. Everything is going so well, until that little paper inside an enveloped got opened. Suddenly, I was back to where I was left behind before. But still, I am aware that I am living in the present life. I start asking why… my heart keeps on pounding and beating so fast. Making me feel that at that moment, everything is so right. It is such a PERFECT MOMENT for me.
Things have been pretty much going along with the plan. Every piece of the puzzle is exactly the perfect fit. I’m having the most wonderful experience in my entire life. When out of nowhere, he left. Leaving me hanging and messed-up with life. All he did was ruin everything.
Yes, he made me feel I am special. I have a value. I am not invisible. I am still a human being. Still, he left me…. for the second time around.
Now I am so torn up between the present and the past. I have a wonderful life ahead of me but I am so stocked up with my past. My heart is being shattered; not knowing which way is the right road. I am caught up and prisoned. Back to zero.
I am found a decade ago, lost in the midst of nowhere after a couple of years, time passed by and everything is new, and then I am found again, and then left me for dead after a week. I am starting to curse life. I am starting to hate the timing! I keep on asking myself why… why when my life is running so fine then this someone came back out of nowhere and start ruining the only life I have. Why did I ever let that person enter my life again, and I still like it… more than like it?! And yet, I am still hoping he’ll come back and start fixing and picking up the pieces of my life to make it whole again. But all I can do is dream…. maybe for another decade and so. All I can do is wait…. maybe forever.

MINSAN ISANG BATA.... my thesis

**** i wrote this for my thesis that carries the same title (MINSAN ISANG BATA). my topic was about Child Abuse but in the context of creative writing... which is also my undergrad course (malikhaing pagsulat sa filipino). i love children and i hate abuse.... so i decided to write about them.... fortunately, after a long day's work with my thesis (i was confined in the hospital when i wrote my thesis.... i had an operation that time!) my adviser gave me an "1.0" for a grade.... i am a member of the ABS-CBN Foundation Volunteers and Bantay Bata 163. This is my passion.... saving lives and saving kids!****

Minsan Isang Bata
(written: 2003)

mga luha tayong patuloy na dumadaloy
sa isang naghihingalong katauhan
mga pahina tayo ng isang libro
punit-punit, kulang-kulang
-----
isa kang yosi, ako nama’y diyaryo
sa gitna ng init ----- inilalako
walang oras makapaglaro, kahit na ngumiti
kulang ang kita, sa sindikato’y may batok pang kasama
-----
isang boteng mineral water
dalawang linggo tinutungga
wala si ina, lasing si ama
adik ang ate, pati rin si kuya
kinalimutan na ang bertdey ni Ana
-----
mga pawis tayong natuyo sa init
karapatang ikinahon at pag-asang ikinulong
bata pa siya para kay Joe at Sam
hinalukay ang katawan
basang-basa sa laway
-----
mga bukol tayo --- matigas ang ulo
sugat na malalim, damdaming naghihinakit
kalabog ng pinto, basong basag
lamesang wasak at kahoy na biak
murang katawan ang pader
panangga sa humahagis na kutsilyo
-----
tayo ang kwarto, ang sulok, kisame’t sahig
nakatulala, nagmumuni-muni
may biglang iiyak, may biglang tatawa
magdadabog parang baboy ramong nakawala
maya-maya pa’y tatahimik ang paligid
-----
mga bata tayong pinagkaitan ng panahon
mga luha tayong patuloy na dadaloy
tulad ng isang batas,
punit-punit, kulang-kulang
mga karapatang itinago sa isang libro
inuubos na ng insekto ang pahina nito
walang awang pinahirapan ang naghihingalong katawan
wala na ------

HERE I AM WITH AN EMPTY HEART

HERE I AM WITH AN EMPTY HEART

(written: February 2, 2004)

Looks like you never saw me coming through
It was the antimony of two hearts trying to get even
Words couldn’t agree more with the planned situation
There were tears rushing down, breaking every eyes
Filtering the moment that owns the time
-----
Looks like you never saw me coming through
Pieces of stolen memories died in the nick of time
Jittering days covered with untouched lost souls
A doomsday celebration, a night of fear
Flock of birds whistling on top of a burned tower
-----
Looks like you never saw me coming through
Passed unnoticed and dead the very next day
Only battling words are expressed, screaming and stomping
I was perfectly aware of the pain but not my wounds
As it gently pours my withering soul into contemplation
-----
Looks like you never saw me coming through
Blank slate catching my sweetest memories of you
The dream catcher, cannot hold or grasp my anger
Nobody, not even the slightest rain could
For things are just pieces of earth-shattering cry
-----
I am crawling with my head held up
Tossing my hair with the comb that could never brush
Looks like you never saw me coming
Walking with empty heart and mislaid memories
Only strands of hair from the brush remains

FRIENDS DAW

FRIENDS DAW
(written: 2003)

Ginamit mo ang kabaitan ko
Sinamantala dahil ako’y nauuto
Kahit minsan ako’y pinaplastik
Makuha lamang ang nais.

-----
“Friends tayo”, pakilala mo sa’kin sa ibang tao
Ako nama’y isang tanga’t naniwala agad sa’yo
Pero noong isang araw lang nang tanungin ka,
Biglang tanggi at hindi ako kilala.
-----
Naaalala lang ako kapag may kailangan
Pagkatapos biglang kakalimutan
Masakit man sa loob ko at hindi ka nagpasalamat
Hindi ko makuhang magtampo dahil magkaibigan nga tayo.
-----
Lahat ng sinabi mo, pilit kong pinagbigyan
Kahit na minsan ako’y nahihirapan
Basta’t para sa kaibigan ko, kung kaya gagawin
Huwag lang sana akong gaguhin
-----
Pero akala ko pwede kang pagkatiwalaan
Kaibigan pa naman ang turing ko sa’yo.
Sinira mo lang ang tiwala ko
Pinahiya mo ko sa maraming tao.
-----
Paano mo ako ngayon mapapaniwala
Sa mga kasinungalingan mong nagawa?
Paano pa ako muling magtitiwala
Kung ang pagkakaibigan nati’y iyong sinira?

LETTER TO A FRIEND

Letter To A Friend

(written: February 16, 2004)

I never had the chance to tell you how much I adore you. More than that, I love you. I am afraid to spill it out ‘coz I know you’ll hate me for doing so. I’m afraid that if I admit my feelings, you’ll leave me. I’m pretending to be your friend. I am pretending that I don’t have feelings for you because I am hoping that someday it might just go away. Or if not, time will heal my longing, aching heart.
I don’t know if you feel the same way for me. I don’t even want to know… but deep inside, I am eager to know. Loving you is the greatest feeling I ever had. A feeling that no one could ever define. I intend to keep it in my heart because I don’t want you to think that I’m taking advantage of our friendship. Although I’m sick and tired of putting myself behind the spotlight, at least I get the chance to be with you even if I’m faking it.
I think of you as my prince charming… my knight and shinning armour. Someone who will save me. Someone who take me away from my illusions and dreams. Someone who will bring me out to reality. Someone who will kiss me so I can wake up from my long and endless sleep. You are everything to me. My everything.
Still, I always believe that friends are not made for each other. We’re friends, just friends… no more, no less. It hurts me knowing that the only person I believed I’m in love with will never be mine because no matter how I try to make you love me, no matter what I do, will never love me back. Then all of a sudden, I realized that our friendship is based on ostentatious images and tragic endings… leaving only parting and hurting words.
On the other hand, if I never had the courage to tell my feelings for you, the moment will surely pass me by. I’ll be regretting the only true feelings I ever had in my life. It scares me that one day I’ll never see you again. It also scares me that one day, you’ll refuse to talk to me because at the back of your head, I am your masquerading and pretentious friend.
Sometimes, I try to ignore you so I won’t be missing you. I try to make excuses so I won’t have any reason to hang out with you. In short, I won’t be thinking of you, I won’t be guilty of loving my friend. In the first place, I shouldn’t be loving you at all.I know I can go on by my own. I can move on without you. Still, I hope that one day, you’ll see through the light. Hoping that one day, I’m the princess of your dreams. The wide awake princess, who patiently waits for his prince charming to held her tight… to kiss… to love.

SANDCASTLE

SANDCASTLE

( sang by: regine velasquez)

I have always dreamed of this day

the whole world at my feet

and fame within my reach

friends i have of plenty

but when the light down low

and no where to go

there's no one there

no there but me

time flies and all things must come to an end

like the sandcastle slowly

being swept away

and all that is left are traces of what i used to be

all that is left are traces of what i used to be

today i have to let go

and all will be forgotten

but after everything's been said and done

and knowing that i once had you in my life

the memories of what i used to be

are traces that will remind you of me

today i have to let go

and all will be forgotten

but after everything's been said and done

and knowing that i once had you in my life

the memories of what i used to be

are traces that will remind you of me

and knowing that i once had you in my life

the memories of what i used to be

of traces that will remind you of me....

nang makita ka

NANG MAKITA KA

(sang by: regine velasquez)

di na sana tayo'y

nagkita pang muli at nagsama

isang tingin mo lang

biglang bumabalik ang damdamin ko sa'yo

kay sakit isipin

na may mahal ka nang iba

puso mo'y nagbago na

sana'y hindi mo napansin ang luha sa aking mata

nang nakita ka

nang makita ka

kay tagal nang panahon

tayo'y nagkalayo ngayo'y muling nagkatagpo

ayoko nang masaktan

kaya iiwas na di na lalapit pa

kay sakit isipin

na may mahal ka nang iba

pag-ibig mo'y naglaho na

mangarap man ay walang mararating

ngunit bakit umaasa pa rin

na makita ka

nang nakita ka

kay sakit isipin

na may mahal ka nang iba

pag-ibig mo'y nagbago na

mangarap ma'y walang mararating

ngunit bakit umaasa pa rin

nang nakita ka

nang nakita ka

na makita

makita ka

nakita ka...