DEAD END

Dead End

(story of my angsts and a lot more....)

Prologue

I don’t know what life really means to me. For life is merely living. Reality for me doesn’t even exist. Or if it really exists, I don’t know if I’m really living. If I’m living in the reality.
I practically grew up hating life. Hating almost everything in my life. The person I’ve become and those people around me. Most of them make life so miserable for me. There are times that I have to fit myself in the crowd even though I’m not supposed to.
I even hate love or to love or whatever love there is. I am afraid of losing them in the end. Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of picking up the shattered pieces of my life, afraid of seeing people moving away. Afraid of seeing them turn their backs at me. Why is it that love should always be the “them” and not the “I, me, mine, or my”.
I regularly end each day thinking of a lot of things. Most people I know judge me before they could actually get to know me. Maybe because I’ve changed or somehow for that matter. The way I talk, the way I dress myself, the way I act, and so many other way.
But there are four things that never changed… my passion in writing, sketching, acting and singing.
I may have been thinking too much of so many things. And for sure, I know, I’ve written thousands of notes not just about life and reality. Not just my experiences everyday, but also about those people around and surrounding me.
I do not mean to talk about their lives. I don’t even have any intentions of tearing down the foundations and rules of relationship. Although sometimes, I know I have to break the rules. I do admit at times that I make mistakes… who haven’t? Everybody is bound to make mistakes. Only those “perfectionist” human beings are not interested in the word “Sorry”.
I may not be clever but I am practically an extraordinaire in my own point of view, in my own cave space. I do ask myself questions that are irrelevant to what things are all about. I sometimes forget to feed my mind with words. Words that usually pops-up without the help of dictionaries and any other encyclopedia books.
Frankly speaking, there was just this instance that made me think that I should stop from thinking philosophically and academically. So, I woke up one day and decided to think stupid. Well, more of I let others think for me.
Still, I want to clear things up… not because I’m thinking stupid right now, people can judge me that I’m a real jerk! I am not paranoid!
I’m not a “friendly-user” person. It’s just definitely not me. I’m not a material-type of person either. I don’t ask a lot from people. It just so happen that I had enough of shit in my life. Everything sucks. I’ve seen people come and go asking me for favors but when it’s me who asks them or when I need help, they’re not around. Sometimes they are there. But for sure, one thing or another, after quite sometime of helping you, they will ask for something in return, if not they will give reasons so that they can stop from helping.
I do favors for others. Maybe because it’s my nature of helping people without asking something in return though sometimes, I have the intention to hit them back with hurtful words. I usually start blaming others for my own misery but in the long run, I’ve learned to blame myself as well.
Once, I was asking myself why all these shit keeps on destroying me. I just realized that they really happen. It could happen earlier or sooner than you expected.Maybe not always but it will soon bloom in its own time. It can always be a terrible awakening for somebody. Stabbing our backs unknowingly without giving us time to prepare for that moment.

How I wish I could stop on multiplying those questions. Wishing I could just divide them to get the answers…

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The Life That Is Never Meant For Me…

What does life really mean to me? It’s one question that I can never really answer (aside from the other millions of questions that I also cannot answer). Sometimes I hate life because situations that I thought I could handle all by myself are going to be fine, but then it will just get worst. Sometimes I love life because everything is doing well. I can cry anytime, I can laugh, I can act, and so many other things…
The life I wanted only exists in my mind, carefully touching every brain cells in my head (that is if I still have brain cells).
Eventually I will accept my fate. My destiny of being somebody. If not great, maybe just another normal human being living in the neighborhood!
I never even had the chance to look the meaning of life in the dictionary... (even during my elementary and high school days). It’s not because I think I know what life means, but because I’m afraid to. Afraid of sticking the meaning inside my head.
In the first place, I always thought that life’s never fair! Maybe balanced but not fair. Fair enough to be understood. Just like Yin-Yang. Balance is always open in that category. Simply like black and white. You can’t just blend different colors in life. It always comes in different colors. And each color symbolizes a different meaning.

Here’s my mood and life color chart…

Black = Symbolizes my whole life
White = Symbolizes my unseen, infelt life
Red = Anger, in love
Yellow = MY FAVORITE COLOR! My friends say this color suits me! Sometimes this color makes me in love!
Orange = Another favorite color of mine… Symbolizes my prisoned mind
Blue = My pain, misery, being alone and suffering
Green = Soon to be one of my favorite color… also symbolizes my happy thoughts… specially if its camouflage
Brown/Maroon = Definitely U.P. Persona!!!
Pink = Used to be my favorite color when I was a kid
Gray = My unexpressed feelings.. everyday, I feel gray!!!

I didn’t wish to be born. Or if I ever did, not in this kind of life! Not in this kind of world! Not with this kind of people! I want to have the power of choosing my own space. My own world. It’s not that I’m not happy… but there are so many things in my life that I regret. If only I have the power to choose, I wish I never passed those roads. I wish I never met those people. Or if it should really happen, I wish I could prevent myself from hurting so bad and for making myself look bad.
Life is living alone. We are human beings created separately; therefore, we are to die alone. I may have many companions in my life but I would definitely die alone. Promises of forever will surely fade.
Like Bro Grimm said: “How funny it is to think that we are playing with life only to find out that it’s the other way around”.

If ever I am to “pie chart” my life, it would definitely look like this:
(well, you can't see the pie chart... but it's kinda like this")

99% = hate life
1% = love life

This might help you understand why I think my life really sucks.

I’ve tried to detach myself from reality. Hoping that I could build a world of my own. Wishing that I would be able to spend my life liking every thing I see… but life is too cruel.
I’m always dreaming awake. Hoping that someday, my favorite day will be right infront of me so I can grab it in full force. The percentage of my life makes me very visible. I was never invisible. Though I wanted not to be seen, I’m always hooked up with negative aura.

Nevertheless, I am very much trying to keep myself whole and standing.
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The “Love & Life” That Truly Sucks…

I have loved and been loved. Still, I think I’m not really in love. Ken Zhou of F4 (Meteor Garden) said that love has an expiration date.
Some people may stay together for a long time yet eventually the love will expire. Something else has changed that love… some say that love turns into trust, others say it turns into loyalty, and so on… And just maybe, some people just live their whole lives together… which I think it will never happen to me.
For me, if the love is gone, then it is gone. There’s no use of turning back those moments. I believe that love fades out after a long time of relationship! Ironically speaking, even if the love you have for that person is as little as a point that love remains and will always trigger you at times especially when you cross paths again. There are 2 most painful kind of love: (1) is when you finally think that the love you lost is the love that’s really meant for you… but then it doesn’t belong to you any longer; (2) is when you give everything and fight for that person but never notices you because the person is too insensitive about what you do and what you can give.
I’m not an expertise about love. Yet my experiences taught me a lot. If not, it was never meant for me to have. For I once believed in “and they live happily ever after”… but to no avail, I always end up meeting the wrong people and making the wrong choices.
Love may give us so many reasons to love life but it also gives us so many reasons to hate life… to hate the meaning of love. As the saying goes: I always thought that love can melt away the pain no matter how painful it is, but I realized that pain can melt away love no matter how great the love is.
Maybe in a relationship, love may stay forever… but there will come a time that something along the way must have changed the meaning of love in your life. You don’t question what love is, for love is a verb. For we feel LOVE! And LOVE is a DECISION.
It does hurt sometimes. Then you start asking questions. You try to insist that there’s no problem. No matter how hard you try to convey love, it will never give you an exact answer…
I’m pretty sure that every one of us is trying to define the meaning of love. Nevertheless, no matter how we define it (even if it is based on our own experiences), love will continue to broad its definitions. Besides, if we want to conclude it, we’ll end up defining that GOD IS LOVE. But then, how did GOD become LOVE?
Most of the time, we forget to think. We forget that God created our brains higher than our hearts. And it is quite obvious that we should use our head first before putting our heart into something.
And yes, it is sometimes ironic in a way because the mind can deceive us but our hearts cannot. We should always weigh and consider which things come first.
I’ve been there and done that… but I know love can always give you an idea about how great it is.
The “love and life” that was never meant for me is the love that I never had. The love of life that actually shattered every inch of my existence. Since I’m so afraid of getting hurt might as well use my head first before putting my heart into it. Although my friends are telling me that I’m an introvert, I tried to prove them wrong. It’s just a matter of how much I know how painful it could become if I offer my heart. So, I have to accept the fact that I have to learn to love myself first. And the only way to love myself is to start loving the way things are going in my life. As the song goes: The greatest love of all is easy to achieve. Learning to love yourself. It is the greatest love of all.
Still, I admit that I’m struggling over the “love-myself-thing”. The very fact of loving myself gives me the creeps and the distasteful feeling. Though it’s not because I cannot love myself but because I’m not afraid of taking my life away from me (I’ve tried slashing my risks and stomach a million times anyway). I had boyfriends before that left me cracked up. Meaning, I’ve learned my lessons about love. I had enough pains and sufferings with men; I don’t want it to happen all over again. Besides, making the same mistake twice is stupidity already.

All our young lives we search for someone to love, someone who makes us complete. We chose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope all the while wondering if somewhere and somehow there is someone searching for us. --- The Wonder Years
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Death + Fear = Goosebumps…

May I Rest In Peace!
Have you ever thought that one day you’ll be seeing yourself resting inside a coffin? I know I hate life but death is one thing that I feared most. Sounds ironic to others who don’t really know me but whatever my reason is, yes, I’m afraid of death. A confession that I cannot accept for I’ve been trying to sneak away from the reality of it. Maybe not that afraid, for I know all of us are going to end up lying inside that non-spacious, rectangular, decorative and expensive coffin. It just so happen that life for me is like an Anchor’s Away (a type of an amusement ride at Enchanted Kingdom). Or in layman’s term… a rocking chair.
I used to like sitting on a rocking chair when I was 4 years old. The fact that it gives me the comfort of sleeping while enjoying the lullaby of my mother makes me like sitting there. Now that I’m a grown-up, the rocking chair reminds me of nothing but fear. Fear of one day that I might find myself sitting on it, resting without breath and seeing my soul rocking the chair as it sings to me a lullaby. Well, the movies taught me to create that idea.
I don’t want to grow old with old age. Not with sickness or heartache either. I’d rather kill myself first before these creepy nonentities hit me.
Not because I’m talking about these stuffs right now makes me feel relief… well, not so! I’m talking about these because I have to write. Life and death for me is living in nirvana. I know I don’t make any point or sense in here but I know deep inside I know my point. It’s just that, I don’t know how to explain it. (Ah shit! Whatever it is, I have a reason!)

Death is living.
Living in another time capsule.
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A Dumb Ass Topic About Relationships

Confused. Mind-boggling. No direction. This is how I define my relationships. Whether it is to my family, friends and acquaintances. I hate having a relationship and yet I’m always hooked up. I cannot find myself not having one. Yes of course, family-matter is an exemption, but friends and acquaintances…uh-uh!
I’ve trusted many people. More than that, most of them are boys… if not, MEN! I don’t know the reason why I’m magnetic to them! Can’t seem to understand how attached I’ve become already. The only thing I know is that I’m comfortable of talking to them than girls. Maybe because I’m a girl and I know how girls think after listening. For girls have the tendencies of slipping those stories out without thinking of the consequences. Or simply because they are talkative and they love to socialize.
It’s not that I’m putting myself away from possessing the essence of a woman or the tradition of being a girl. I’m only trying to be WHOLE.
One woman plus one woman makes another woman. But one woman plus one man makes half of themselves. Meaning, different perspectives, opinions, comments and suggestions. Both make reasonable insights about some things. Answers should be balanced. Weighing things in both aspects is necessary. We might hear hurting words but true. If not, then we will definitely get the wrong answer or message.


There’s no point of telling me how great one person is… as long as that person can tell me reasonable answers, I’m contented!
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I Am Pretending And Masquerading…

This is who I am.
I can act as if you do not know my true intentions. I can keep myself away from my true feelings. I can put a thousand masks on my face. I can even make friends with you while stabbing your back. But on the other side of all those things… I still have feelings. My emotions burst out when I’m alone. I’m used of detaching myself away from reality. Trying to enjoy my own journey of life. Since I don’t believe much in reality and life itself, I can perfectly move away from that state.
I tried to keep in pace. Following every flow of life there is. I also tried to move my own world away from me just to get “INSIDE” the reality of life… but I can’t. I just can’t.
It’s not I’m comfortable with masking myself everytime I face somebody. There are times that I just have to mask myself because I don’t want people to judge me. Some people think ahead before I do the actual act and it bothers me a lot. More than anybody else, my conscience always strikes me first. Stabbing me at my back.
I have no intentions of pretending to anybody, or even in pedestal but if I don’t put my best foot forward, I might as well die in hell for the offense of lying. I have to pretend like everybody else. There’s nobody here in our world who is free of lies. We are pretentious people. We create our own lies that mostly strike back unexpectedly. I should know, for it happened to me a million times.
I may have been pretending at times (or everyday), but I do it in a purpose. The world is changing and so am I. There are thousands of reasons why I have to pretend. Why I have to keep on masquerading from the reality.
If I ever lied to you, you don’t need my reasons… for there’s always a reason. I can keep on reasoning without you knowing that I am lying. As they say: Life is like a box of chocolates, you’ll never know what you’ll gonna get.

Indeed, life always strikes me in full blast. Still, I try my best to block the reality and accepting it minimally.
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It’s All Coming Back To Me

Oh yes… it is slowly breaking me. Pinching every part of my heart. I hate this. I thought I was over this feeling but now it’s all coming back to me. It’s making me think of which and who is right. But what is right? Is it really my feeling that’s going to lead me to who and what is right?
I am chasing my own past right now. Trying to think what is really best for me. And since I’m putting a boundary over my decisions, I can’t move into another level. It’s haunting me everyday.
I remember this quote from the movie Dreams: There were two things I believed in when I was a little girl. One was that there is a man out there made perfectly just for me. The other is that love will make me happy. I never found the man. Though I found love, I was never happy.
Maybe it is what I’m feeling right now. I have been into so many relationships yet I haven’t found the right person for me. I know I should settle for somebody who is not perfect but real. But how is it going to be possible for me when I, myself, doesn’t believe in reality?!
There are so many things that’s haunting me… a blast from my past. As Rafiki of Lion King says: The past can hurt. Either you run from it or learn from it. Well, I’ve learned my lessons way back. I admit, I’m still not done from running away from my past, but I’m pretty sure I’ve learned my lessons well enough. I’m also careful not to do the same mistake twice… or ever.
Maybe love is really a choice of an exquisite pain. A ride of a lifetime. A rollercoaster, a bump car or a rocking chair. It may run beautifully today and tomorrow, it may break down. We really never know.
There have been a thousand times I tried to rectify all the pain inside me, but I never got any answer. Instead, I keep on asking more questions than before. If I strive to move on without looking back, sooner or later, everything will destroy my future plans. I won’t be able to conquer my own life. I won’t be sailing my own ship… I won’t be able to see myself being a good captain. I will remain as the pretentious captain. I will die as a disbeliever of reality. And so sad for me, for I won’t be able to see my dreams come true.
On the other hand, I am still bold. I may not be a believer of reality but I am trying to make each day a not-make-believe day. I may be in a bumpy road right now, I may be a wrecked ship, I may be lost… but I believe that I will soon make the right choices… the right decisions. Things that will never haunt me back. I will stand proud and show the world, show my damn life… I’m over the pain.
Love will soon bloom right infront of me. It will soon make me realize that it is the right thing to do. It is at the right time and I’m at the right place.
I know that I will continue asking questions until I find the right and exact answer. But as of the moment, nobody not even myself can stop me from thinking of stuffs that sometimes may be unreasonable to others. I will continue on my journey… I will continue on accepting the pain of my past. I will let them haunt me until I become numb… so the next time it comes back, I’m prepared… (well, I hope it happens! I’m keeping my fingers crossed!)


“You know what’s wrong with you, Miss Whoever-You-Are? You’re chicken. You’re afraid to stick out your chin and say, ‘Okay, life’s a fact.’ People DO fall in love. People do belong to each other. Because that’s the only chance anybody’s got for real happiness. You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, yet you’re terrified that somebody’s gonna put you in a cage and you built it yourself. And it’s not bound on the east of Somali Land or on the west by Tulip, Texas. It’s everywhere you go. Because no matter where you run, you’re always going to end up running into yourself.” --- from Breakfast at Tifanny’s
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The Pain That Won’t Go Away…

Pain \’pãn\ n 1 : suffering or distress of body or mind; 2 : a basic sensation caused by harmful stimuli and marked by discomfort

I am in pain…
I am hurt more then ever…
I am lost…
Nobody except me knows the pain I am feeling right now. It’s something I can’t explain but I am sure I am feeling it. I have this pain because I am confused. Actually, not that confused. I am just weighing things nowadays and I’m having a hard time solving them. My mind is always tired of thinking about those things. I sometimes look infront of the mirror and practice the things I’m supposed to say or write. Funny to think, but that’s the only way I can keep my head up and continue on facing people without them knowing the pain that I am feeling.
I love facing people with a smile. I may have some things at the back of my mind; still, I have to smile. This is how I handle my problems. I will keep on smiling until they’re gone. At the end of the day, I will break down and cry. If not, I will try my best to write them down in my journal or computer. And if I have the time, I face the mirror and start talking to myself.
I will see my face wet with tears. Pain will start to crush my soul. I will continue talking to myself until my mind gets tired or until I fall asleep. Though I know that the pain will still be there when I wake up, at least even for a short time, I can keep myself away from that state of pain.
I have few things that I keep because I consider them as my priced-possessions. One is my journals/diaries; the other is my mirror and lastly, my computer. So whenever I’m in pain, I can confess to them. I love these things because no matter what I say or what I feel, they will just listen. Every word I write or say can easily be erased. Words will come and go with the wind as I may. I can confront them at any time and at any place I want. They will join me on my pain. They will comfort me until I feel okay. I can get mad and they will never shout back at me. I will not be able to hear other voices except mine. They will and always will, listen to all my grievances about life.
Anyways, pain will always remain as pain. No matter how light or deep the pain is, it will still trigger us in some ways that it is resting there. Sometimes, I think pain loves me so much upto the point of it hates to go away.
Or maybe because I keep on clinging to that pain. Maybe because I thought I’ve already moved on… but the truth is, I never did. I never even left. Or if ever I have, I never even got far.
Indeed, there are so many things that keep that pain inside me. I am guilty of carrying them over my present life.
I am still trying to move away from that pain. I also do know that nobody can help me except myself. I must finish these problems alone. It’s the monster I created to scare myself. I was the one who made those choices. But then, since it’s hard to do, I will accept it though I know I can’t take it any longer.
Like what I’ve said, I am pretending and masquerading. If it is the only way for me to get going every single day, then, so mote it be. I will not stop the test of time. I will not compete with my faith. I will continue to try my best to become whole. I will keep myself intact. I will stay strong… I will never quit on looking for answers.
And maybe one day, even just for one day, I can move on without these pains. Without the tears, without feeling sorry for myself and without the feeling of guilt inside me.
Well I hope it happens soon. I can’t wait for that day… (I hope I have all the patience to wait for that moment to come.) I’m hoping that nothing will interfere with my beliefs. And if that happens, pain will definitely haunt me for the rest of my life… and more than that, I won’t be able to move on.

How I wish the pain would go away when I close my eyes…
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If it is wrong, then what is right?

Everything in life doesn’t come with the right stuffs. Every now and then, life can deceive by giving us so many choices. Rain can come rushing down from heaven and can sometimes be a very sunny day.
But when the time comes that we have to make a difficult choice, we are the only ones who can decide which is which.
We are bound to make mistakes; moreover, we can never avoid things from happening because we are the one responsible for our own actions. I know that there are times that we blame others for our miseries, but then, we should consider other things. Not because we feel bad today doesn’t mean that there’s no hope for us anymore. Besides, the things that happened to our lives are our choice. We are the one who decides who or what stays in or out.
I’ve done so many wrong choices in life. So many that I can’t even count how many it is anymore. It’s just like meeting the right guy at the wrong time… still, it makes him a wrong guy.
We try so hard as if we are going to die looking for answers but in the first place, we never even know what the question is. I am so much into questions that I already forgot to look for solutions. I’ve been trying to rectify everything but I always end up getting wrecked.
There are so many choices in life that if you really give it some thoughts, you’ll only find out that, out of those choices, there is only one right choice and the rest is up to you to make it right.
I once thought that life is equal to freedom. But in the long run, it was never the same in the first place.
I am prisoned and locked up from these choices. I have tried to get myself detached from my own choice but to no avail, I can’t free myself from it. I am struggling yet wanting to let go. I tried to fight till the last ounce of my strength… and still, I lost the battle.

When will I ever find the right answers to these wrong questions? Or the wrong answers to these right questions? I am confused. Will knowing make a difference? Can you give me an answer?
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When to let go and when to hold on…

When can you really say that it’s time to let go? When everything you ever hoped and wished for has been ruined or when you feel that the only way to stop the pain you’re feeling is to let go of the most precious thing you’ve got?
So when can you say that you need to hold on? When you think that you can still keep up with the pace even though you know that you’re really far from reaching it or when you know that as long as “some” wishes do come true?
Both are pretty much confusing. More over, it is a hard and tough decision to make. As for me, I always caught myself staring at nowhere thinking of the things I’ve decided for my life.
There are so many incidents in my life that I planned to let go on something. It is not because I’m tired of holding on to it but because I think it is the best and right thing to do. I may have decided to let go some of the most valuable things that ever happened in my life but I know it’s the only way for me to get bound from pain. For life is always a decision to make. Everyday and every step you take, you have to grab on the consequences of your choices. And so I did… no matter how painful it is, as long as I know that I’ll be happy in the end, I won’t think twice…
Roads may sometimes be a very crucial decision to make. It’s always a terrible awakening whenever you reached the end of that road. You feel something very painful, breaking every piece of your heart.
For every time that you try to mend a piece of that heart, it becomes more painful. So painful that you cram and even get lost along the process because you don’t know what to do next. In fact, I’ve tumbled down so many times yet I try not to lose hope that someday… maybe someday, there will be an improvement in my life. But then honestly, there are so many things in my head right now that I want to let go. Some matters that only I can understand.

I never meant to let go of things, but I have to think of my own happiness. I know I deserve to be happy like you, somehow… So please, let me be happy.
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I wish… my wishes… wishing…

I’m not a filthy-rich person. I can have the cheapest thing in the universe. I accept and embrace things that are in front of me without asking for something better. I don’t go for looks. Instead, I go for what’s inside the heart. For what the heart can truly say.
I do wish for a lot of things… it’s free to make a wish. Although sometimes, I expect so much for some of the things that I wished for, but I make sure that I cope up with it soon. It’s not just wishing that I enjoy most but also dreaming. For me, as long as it is free and will not cause any harm or damage to others, I usually go for it.

My Wish list

· I wish for someone to treat me like a person. For I am a person who can ALSO feel.
· I wish to be happy… less pain, less tears, less heartaches, less anger, less loneliness and
less emptiness.
· I wish I could get away from the pain I am feeling and experiencing now.
· I wish to feel important.
· I wish for people to see and understand me deeper before they judge or accuse me.
· I wish I could have the freewill to wish for myself


Star light
star bright
first star I see tonight
wish I may
wish I might
have this wish I say tonight
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Things I Gained When I Lost The Game

I have lost the battle. I became so dreamy but to no avail, it was all bound to end. I was not looking right through the mistakes I did in my life… instead, I passed through them a couple of times.
I’ve learned so many things though… when I thought I was finally breaking down, someone tried to save me. It was the most amazing thing that ever happened in my life. For nobody has ever attempt to break all the rules just to save me from hurting more.
I may have lost the love I ever wished for, but for someone to find me when I am invincible, nobody can ever beat that.
I am a little numb. Numb about a couple of things. Things that I never expected that will happen to me… AGAIN! I tried to stand up and move but I can’t. The only RIGHT thing to do is face them. I tried harder to put myself back and whole. I tried to face the pain, hoping that I can be myself again in a few days time. Although it was quite hard, I never gave up. I know for a fact that nobody can ever help me get through these pains but myself.

(Crossing the end of the road…)

I have succeeded. Won each pain event in my life. I have learned to give a little for myself. I grabbed the hands of those people who are willing to embrace me without any doubts and judgments. I mingled with their laughter. I cradled my life to their pockets. I broke all the rules and marched on with life. I moved on with them.
I may have lost the game. But I have gained myself back where it is supposed to be… I am myself now. Still hurting but trying to bind the broken pieces of my life back to my own shelter… back to my own cave space… back to my tired soul.
I can frankly honestly say that I am not yet ready to give up my fight. I will continue to fight on regardless of how many times I fall or fail. I will not let others crash me to death… for death is the last word in my own dictionary.


I am only trying to be me. THIS IS WHO I AM.
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Guess Where You’re Going

I’ve been walking into many roads already. I’ve met people then and now. Some are those which I always make an excuse to forget and some are those whom I can’t forget though I wished I’ve never met them in my entire life.
It’s not that they’ve contributed nothing in my life. I know (even if I’m trying to block reality) they have left something for me to ponder about. People that no matter how hard I try to forget will remain embossed in my heart.
Instances like seeing an “old friend” around… Yeah… “old friends” really do sucks sometimes. I gave them everything they wanted but I’m left stocked up with nothing in the end.
I don’t regret the things I gave, it’s just, and how I awfully wished that they appreciate what I can offer or what I have offered. I am only trying to be me. The “me” that most of them cannot understand because they already judged me from the start.
Some of them tried to crawl back… but to no avail, I’m not the type of person who believes in love is sweeter the second time around. If I’m into a deep shit, I try hard to fix it, if nothing really happens, then I let go no matter how hard it is… no more turning back.
Oh yes, I can reminisce… but that’s the only thing I could ever offer again. I already crossed their lives, I have offered everything I could, I have sacrificed so much for them, I have given them things in exchange for my own happiness… but if it’s all I am for them, then, that’s the end of the line.


I always thought that love can melt away the pain no matter how painful it is, but I realized that pain could melt away love no matter how great the love is.

I can be a lot of things… still, I can only be me.
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When That Lightning Strikes

Starstruck. How long can you actually fall for a person in just a few sittings? How can you possibly say that you have fallen in love already? Because for me, it will take me quite sometime to fall in love. And sometimes, even a year before I could actually notice that this certain person is really into me.
It’s not being conservative at all. It just so happen that it is hard to enter a new relationship without knowing a lot about that person. It is not bad to get to know the person first… or at least, be comfortable with him or her first. Most relationships I know usually ends up easily because of differences in attitudes and likes that suddenly pops-up out of nowhere. I don’t want my relationship to end up just as easy. I’ve been hurt so badly lately… I mean REAL BAD! Honestly, I don’t know what to do now… I’m so wrecked. Now I’m actually thinking if there’s anybody out there willing to embrace me without committing the same mistakes. I know it is a risk to love… it is a risk of a lifetime, too. You make a wrong move and it will hunt you for the rest of your life. Just like what’s happening to me lately. I made the wrong choice and now it’s hunting me. Permanently marked on my body. A mark that can never be erased or healed. Well, I am suffering the consequences now.
So how can you possibly say to me again that you’ve fallen for me? You didn’t know any of the truth. You don’t know me much. And I think, just because I’m treating you nice, you can say that you're in love with me already. Think… think hard. Remember, looks can deceive. But if you are willing to accept the things I can ONLY offer, then try to know me to the fullest. You’ll never know… one word can turn you off or maybe turn you on.


Know me better. Know me first. If you want me to fall for you, then be willing to hear everything. You’ll really need your ears before you get to know me. But please don’t blame me for questioning you too much. It is the first part of knowing if there can be an “US”.
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An Almost Prologue and Epilogue

This is what I am made of.
The things you’ve read are my life.

I am only trying to be me. The person you’ve never get to know. For you’ve judged and misjudged me. It is not enough that you listen to me… you’ve got to understand me. I never wanted to choose an exquisite pain but I must pass that road. I have to… there is no other way… for there never was any other way…
You will never understand my sentiments in life unless you hear my side… you can never give comments or tell me that I don’t have the right to know your side… I know when to shut my mouth… I know when to keep secrets… I know a lot that you don’t know. I can always get away with excuses…
I have gone to heaven and hell. I’ve met angels and devils almost everywhere… and even everyday. I tried to be a good friend. I tried to keep that smiling face even if I have troubles and problems running at the back of my head. You don’t know what I’ve been through… you know nothing so you don’t have the right to tell me anything that you think you REALLY KNOW ME!
I am very sensitive. REAL SENSITIVE!!! I can easily feel if you have any problems with me… I may have been a bit of a paranoid… but I can make sure that I know why… and because I can feel that you have something against me. It can be a good-against-me thing or a bad-against-me thing… nevertheless, I can feel that vibe. You can never give out reasons just to excuse yourself that you don’t have any problems with me…
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---to be con't---